exsequar: (FF Tams blood is thicker)
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Time for a melancholy late night post.

This week has absolutely vanished. What am I doing with my time? I don't know. I've been fighting tooth and nail with this publication I'm trying to write for weeks (well, months) now. I had a period in January where I was super productive, then I skidded to a halt for various reasons and had a hard time getting over the activation barrier. I think I finally did it today though, just in time for my boss's return tomorrow. Phew.

Science is frustrating the shit out of me. Most days I hate it.

I got an email from my undergrad chemistry department's secretary. She wants a current photo of me to post on a bulletin board next to an essay I wrote for the department when I was a senior in college. The essay is titled "A Mile in Shoes that Don't Fit" and it's about how by doing research I realized that I... didn't want to do research.

A couple months later, I let other people change my mind. Now I'm at grad school.

So she wants my photo to put up my essay which might as well be titled "Anne is a Hypocrite." Excellent.

I wish I had listened to my instincts.

Tonight was a Very Bad No Good night. First I learned that Ryan J is leaving Empires. What the fuck. That means I likely saw his last show with them a couple weeks ago. I mean, I'm grateful to have had that, but RYAN!! :'((( I love Ryan so very much and the band won't be the same without him. I still remember my first Empires show in Baltimore, ages upon ages ago, when he cut his finger and showed us the blood, and shot nerf darts at Sean, and happily signed the print of Howl's cover that I had printed. He's such a joy to be around, always smiling, always kind and warm. And oh how he wails on those drums. I will miss him so very, very much. Bye Ryan J. :(

Then I learned of the very tragic suicide of a young man, a fellow football fan, whom I did not know but who was friends with friends of mine. I read his Twitter and his thoughtful, aching Tumblr posts. I couldn't help but notice how often the word death came up in the last couple weeks. I didn't know him but I saw a lovely, kind soul, a soul in so much pain, and I am inexpressibly sad that he could not find help. He was clearly loved and he will be missed. I am sorry that I never knew him. RIP James.

I rounded off this spectacular evening by watching the film Third Star, which stars Benedict Cumberbatch. He plays a young man dying of cancer who goes on one last trip with his friends. It is a lovely, tragic film, aching and fragmented and messy and it's about how sometimes you just don't have time to have a neat ending. So of course I ended that sobbing my eyeballs out.

Yeah. It's been a night. Off to bed with me.
Mood:: 'melancholy' melancholy
There are 3 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
jebbypal: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] jebbypal at 12:52pm on 17/02/2012
*hugs for all of it*

And ignore the part of you calling yourself hypocrite. You'd had some good experiences that last year of school and were excited with the direction you took. Grad school can be a grind, regardless of how much you end up enjoying the day to day. And if you decide to go the science writing route, as you had talked about some during college, you'll have more earning potential with a phd.

*hugs*
feuervogel: photo of the statue of Victory and her chariot on the Brandenburg Gate (Default)
posted by [personal profile] feuervogel at 07:45pm on 17/02/2012
*hugs*

I love that you used activation energy in a completely non-chemistry context.
 
posted by [identity profile] why-me-why-not.livejournal.com at 05:32am on 18/02/2012
*super big hugs for you*

I am extra sad now that I missed Chicago. That means I don't get to see Ryan AT ALL. :(

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