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Happy (?!) birthday to me
[originally written for Tumblr last night, Aug 17th. Thought I'd try good old fashioned blogging on.]
August 18 is my birthday. I feel like I need to say something about this year of my life... and this is the closest I have to a blog. Pull up a chair.
Tonight I stood on the roof of my beautiful modern apartment building, in the most vivacious neighborhood of Seattle, gazing at the panoramic view of the downtown skyline, Space Needle, mountains and water and the rolling hills, all backlit by a softly electric sunset, listening to my gorgeous and sweet neighbor working shirtless on his bike behind me, and reflected on what a fucking year it's been.
Tomorrow I turn 36. One year ago, I thought I would never be happy again.
This 36th year of life, a perfect square as I am fond of pointing out, has been anything but perfect and certainly nothing so predictable as a square. But as I sprint across the finish line, proudly taking the trophy that declares I Survived Thirty-Six, I am deeply grateful for how this year has shaped me and set me on course for the life I want... for the first time ever.
One year ago, I was at the nadir of a monthslong spiral of anxiety and depression. The night of August 18, 2022, I did not sleep one wink, despite attempting many substance interventions, because my soul was so wrought with torment and guilt and fear. And this was a new experience for me; I had had low points before, but absolutely nothing even resembling this black hole that felt impossible to escape. I won't go into why, but suffice to say there was one new toxic ingredient in my life that had slowly devoured my happiness, my confidence, and my hope. I couldn't see a path out.
Then... slowly, then abruptly, things began to change.
In September, I decided to look for a new job, to change at least one variable and cut out some toxicity. With what felt like shocking speed, interview offers started coming in after just four taster applications. After a brief interview process, I was astonished to find myself in a new job much closer to home, joining a team that included one of my favorite past coworkers.
In October, I took a couple weeks off to try to gain my footing before starting my new job, and traveled home to see family. During these two weeks, I suddenly learned that my landlords were renovating my building and I was being kicked out from my apartment of four years (with 6 months to move out). I quickly recovered from my shock, went on one round of apartment visits in the coolest area in town right near my new office, fell in love with the third building I saw, and signed a lease within a week. Importantly, around the same time, a huge element of the toxic drain on my life became suddenly much, much better, which started to free me from that suffocating weight. Additionally, the relentless, deeply kind support of some close friends finally started to lift me out of the darkness. (You know who you are, I love you.)
On Halloween, 2022, I started my new job. I instantly hit it off with the other two women on my team. The third day, I tested positive for COVID - IN the office! No longer a COVID virgin, I slunk home to do my various new hire trainings in quarantine.
In November, I bought an e-bike to use for my new 1.5 mile commute. I immediately loved being back on two wheels and frequently commuted by bike even in the grey Seattle winter.
Two days before Christmas, 2022, I moved into my new apartment. I shed most of my furniture, many belongings, and started from a beautiful almost blank slate. My new place has the aforementioned roof with panoramic views, huge windows, and all kinds of amenities I didn't have before (a dishwasher!!!!!! laundry!!!!! being mid-thirties is losing your shit over in-unit laundry).
I traveled home for the holidays and had a wonderful break.
January 2023, I began preparing for the biggest fucking trip of my whole entire life. To ANTARCTICA. Yes, you heard that right. I began preparing for an EXPEDITION to ANTARCTICA. For FUN. I still can hardly believe it myself. My friend had invited me in Dec 2021 to join a trip to Antarctica in March 2022, but omicron kiboshed that, and I think the universe knew I needed this to happen in 2023. That I would be just emerging from The Great Dark, and what a better place to beckon me forward than the White Continent?
January, February, and March all felt like a frenzy of preparation. I continued to learn and grow more happy and confident at my new job, growing ever closer to mhy awesome little team, but all the while my mind was floating among the icebergs and penguins.
March. Two days before I was supposed to leave for Chile, the first part of my trip, I tested positive for COVID. IN MY OFFICE. AGAIN!!!
After a brief bout of despair, I ended up getting paxlovid, moving my flight back a week (for $1000 extra ;_;), and joining my friend and her mom in Argentina instead.
March 20, 2023, I set sail aboard the m/v Plancius for Antarctica. What followed was the most deeply spectacular, yet also the most deeply healing, two weeks of my life. I don't know how to summarize it. I felt true peace for the first time... certainly in a year, but in what felt like decades. Possibly forever. I was soul-happy. It's the only way I can describe it.
I landed back home on April 5.
On April 6, my company was hit by a massive cyber attack. Yay!!!!?
The next few months were a chaotic scramble of new experiences and creativity. But through it all, my team only grew closer, and the uncharted territory was in some ways an exciting challenge that only enhanced my sense of feeling alive.
The peace I felt in Antarctica came home with me and spread through my life in waves. I began doing things for joy, and getting my body out moving in the world. I had quickly fallen back in love with biking, so I started looking for groups to ride with and began joining free bike rides all over the county as often as I could. I met delightful people on every ride. I bought a second bike that would be zippier and easier to tote around. I bought a new car that would let me carry around this second bike more easily. I joined a summer rec soccer league, biking to a local field to play under the setting summer sun every Friday, and met some of the fabulous queer folks in my new neighborhood. I watched halftime drag shows on artificial turf. I started feeling physically healthier to match my sense of my soul healing. I laughed all the time.
August 18, 2023 starts in less than an hour. Today, the penultimate day of my 36th year, I worked and laughed with my team for the morning. I flirted with a darling guy in my building, who I have been lightly flirting with for months, for over an hour. I went to the farmers market outside our office and bought beautiful berries from the handsome farmer who loves his bees so much. I picked up an order of fantastic cookies, an early self-gift. I took my new car for a fun new type of car wash (the car sits still and the washing robot arms move around us??). I called my dad. My best friend of nearly 2 decades asked if she could call and we talked for over an hour. I went home to my kitties. I played Stardew Valley and listened to my favorite music. I finished a spectacular audiobook (Strong Female Character by Fern Brady, a memoir of growing up an autistic girl with no diagnosis, and getting diagnosed in middle age). I went to the store to pick up ingredients for my favorite birthday cake that my dad always made for me when I was a kid.
I climbed up to the roof, where my handsome neighbor was quietly and shirtlessly fixing his bike, and gazed out over the gorgeous deep red horizon.
I didn't quite cry. My eyes stung softly as I bit my lip and smiled. Yes. This is where I want to be.
And I can't wait to see what 37 - a prime number, harder to come by as we age - has in store.
August 18 is my birthday. I feel like I need to say something about this year of my life... and this is the closest I have to a blog. Pull up a chair.
Tonight I stood on the roof of my beautiful modern apartment building, in the most vivacious neighborhood of Seattle, gazing at the panoramic view of the downtown skyline, Space Needle, mountains and water and the rolling hills, all backlit by a softly electric sunset, listening to my gorgeous and sweet neighbor working shirtless on his bike behind me, and reflected on what a fucking year it's been.
Tomorrow I turn 36. One year ago, I thought I would never be happy again.
This 36th year of life, a perfect square as I am fond of pointing out, has been anything but perfect and certainly nothing so predictable as a square. But as I sprint across the finish line, proudly taking the trophy that declares I Survived Thirty-Six, I am deeply grateful for how this year has shaped me and set me on course for the life I want... for the first time ever.
One year ago, I was at the nadir of a monthslong spiral of anxiety and depression. The night of August 18, 2022, I did not sleep one wink, despite attempting many substance interventions, because my soul was so wrought with torment and guilt and fear. And this was a new experience for me; I had had low points before, but absolutely nothing even resembling this black hole that felt impossible to escape. I won't go into why, but suffice to say there was one new toxic ingredient in my life that had slowly devoured my happiness, my confidence, and my hope. I couldn't see a path out.
Then... slowly, then abruptly, things began to change.
In September, I decided to look for a new job, to change at least one variable and cut out some toxicity. With what felt like shocking speed, interview offers started coming in after just four taster applications. After a brief interview process, I was astonished to find myself in a new job much closer to home, joining a team that included one of my favorite past coworkers.
In October, I took a couple weeks off to try to gain my footing before starting my new job, and traveled home to see family. During these two weeks, I suddenly learned that my landlords were renovating my building and I was being kicked out from my apartment of four years (with 6 months to move out). I quickly recovered from my shock, went on one round of apartment visits in the coolest area in town right near my new office, fell in love with the third building I saw, and signed a lease within a week. Importantly, around the same time, a huge element of the toxic drain on my life became suddenly much, much better, which started to free me from that suffocating weight. Additionally, the relentless, deeply kind support of some close friends finally started to lift me out of the darkness. (You know who you are, I love you.)
On Halloween, 2022, I started my new job. I instantly hit it off with the other two women on my team. The third day, I tested positive for COVID - IN the office! No longer a COVID virgin, I slunk home to do my various new hire trainings in quarantine.
In November, I bought an e-bike to use for my new 1.5 mile commute. I immediately loved being back on two wheels and frequently commuted by bike even in the grey Seattle winter.
Two days before Christmas, 2022, I moved into my new apartment. I shed most of my furniture, many belongings, and started from a beautiful almost blank slate. My new place has the aforementioned roof with panoramic views, huge windows, and all kinds of amenities I didn't have before (a dishwasher!!!!!! laundry!!!!! being mid-thirties is losing your shit over in-unit laundry).
I traveled home for the holidays and had a wonderful break.
January 2023, I began preparing for the biggest fucking trip of my whole entire life. To ANTARCTICA. Yes, you heard that right. I began preparing for an EXPEDITION to ANTARCTICA. For FUN. I still can hardly believe it myself. My friend had invited me in Dec 2021 to join a trip to Antarctica in March 2022, but omicron kiboshed that, and I think the universe knew I needed this to happen in 2023. That I would be just emerging from The Great Dark, and what a better place to beckon me forward than the White Continent?
January, February, and March all felt like a frenzy of preparation. I continued to learn and grow more happy and confident at my new job, growing ever closer to mhy awesome little team, but all the while my mind was floating among the icebergs and penguins.
March. Two days before I was supposed to leave for Chile, the first part of my trip, I tested positive for COVID. IN MY OFFICE. AGAIN!!!
After a brief bout of despair, I ended up getting paxlovid, moving my flight back a week (for $1000 extra ;_;), and joining my friend and her mom in Argentina instead.
March 20, 2023, I set sail aboard the m/v Plancius for Antarctica. What followed was the most deeply spectacular, yet also the most deeply healing, two weeks of my life. I don't know how to summarize it. I felt true peace for the first time... certainly in a year, but in what felt like decades. Possibly forever. I was soul-happy. It's the only way I can describe it.
I landed back home on April 5.
On April 6, my company was hit by a massive cyber attack. Yay!!!!?
The next few months were a chaotic scramble of new experiences and creativity. But through it all, my team only grew closer, and the uncharted territory was in some ways an exciting challenge that only enhanced my sense of feeling alive.
The peace I felt in Antarctica came home with me and spread through my life in waves. I began doing things for joy, and getting my body out moving in the world. I had quickly fallen back in love with biking, so I started looking for groups to ride with and began joining free bike rides all over the county as often as I could. I met delightful people on every ride. I bought a second bike that would be zippier and easier to tote around. I bought a new car that would let me carry around this second bike more easily. I joined a summer rec soccer league, biking to a local field to play under the setting summer sun every Friday, and met some of the fabulous queer folks in my new neighborhood. I watched halftime drag shows on artificial turf. I started feeling physically healthier to match my sense of my soul healing. I laughed all the time.
August 18, 2023 starts in less than an hour. Today, the penultimate day of my 36th year, I worked and laughed with my team for the morning. I flirted with a darling guy in my building, who I have been lightly flirting with for months, for over an hour. I went to the farmers market outside our office and bought beautiful berries from the handsome farmer who loves his bees so much. I picked up an order of fantastic cookies, an early self-gift. I took my new car for a fun new type of car wash (the car sits still and the washing robot arms move around us??). I called my dad. My best friend of nearly 2 decades asked if she could call and we talked for over an hour. I went home to my kitties. I played Stardew Valley and listened to my favorite music. I finished a spectacular audiobook (Strong Female Character by Fern Brady, a memoir of growing up an autistic girl with no diagnosis, and getting diagnosed in middle age). I went to the store to pick up ingredients for my favorite birthday cake that my dad always made for me when I was a kid.
I climbed up to the roof, where my handsome neighbor was quietly and shirtlessly fixing his bike, and gazed out over the gorgeous deep red horizon.
I didn't quite cry. My eyes stung softly as I bit my lip and smiled. Yes. This is where I want to be.
And I can't wait to see what 37 - a prime number, harder to come by as we age - has in store.