I'm just the way that the doctor made me

[exsequar]

I have been questioning, for some time, my current path on the way to acquiring a PhD in biochemistry or some related field. That has always seemed to be the ultimate goal, and a very easy one to say, as people will nod and smile and think that's perfectly reasonable and logical and impressive. However, it's never something I've particularly desired, in any kind of heartfelt way. I have now done two summers of research and am underway on my third (the first was very biologically oriented, the second and third pure organic chemistry), and while I find the overall ideas of both of the projects I have worked on quite fascinating, the actual day-to-day work I find rather stultifying and frustrating. The prospect of spending five years on one project terrifies me, and is rather distasteful to boot. I doubt my own abilities quite severely to be anything more than an average chemist. I learn very quickly when I am taught specific things, but general application and synthesis of everything I've learned I find much more difficult, and I constantly disappoint myself with my inability to bring things I already learned to the table and apply them to a new situation.

So that is all a long way of saying that I have been reconsidering, in a very vague and general way, my future course. I keep mentioning to my dad sort of semi-seriously that I don't know if chemistry is for me, and he says well, then, you need to think about your options. Tonight I was sort of whining halfheartedly at unamaga about how I don't really want to do grad school in chemistry, and instead of just patting me on the head, she started suggesting alternatives and got my brain a-whirring.

This brought to the front of my mind something I've thought about fleetingly a lot before - science writing. I am a very good writer, not to toot my own horn or anything, but professors in every class that I have ever had in which essay writing was involved (english, philosophy, sociology, even a class on mathematics and art) have expressed astonishment and great praise for my level of writing skill. It's something I've always prided myself on, but I didn't know how to use it.

Every time I start thinking along these lines, I then veer off onto "But I don't want to leave science behind!" Because science is AWESOME. I understand it very well, and I am frequently fascinated and enthralled by the things I learn.

So how do I combine those? Well, I write about science! And I wasn't sure what kind of field there was for that, so I went Googling. What I found kind of made me flail my hands in the air: the Graduate Program in Science Writing at MIT. It's a one year masters program. That whole website just made me want to jump out of my chair and go do it RIGHT NOW. This is a complete contrast to when I picked up a book on chemistry graduate programs the other day - that made me wince and was rather terrifying. This website... I kept going YES. YES THAT'S IT EXACTLY. They described science writers as "humanists, one foot in the sciences, the other in the arts, as apt to be seduced by a shapely sentence as by an elegant scientific idea." They also proposed that people who might like to study science writing are "working scientists and engineers perhaps more drawn to the intellectual excitement of science and technology than to its day-to-day practice." *flaps hands* THAT'S ME, YOU GUYS. ME. I love WORDS but I also love SCIENCE, and to get to squish them together.... ack. The intensive seminar they described sounded SO fascinating, and you get to do any sort of elective you want! Someone took "Writing Science Fiction"!! I just... I can't even. This sounds incredible. The thesis excerpts are fascinating, and read more like a good book than a boring old science paper. I HATE reading chemistry journal articles, but I love news articles ABOUT chemistry, or TV programs, or books.

Now obviously there's a very slim chance that I'd get into MIT's program. And after poking around the internet a little more, it's obvious that it's not all sunshine and rainbows like the website made it out to be. However, it is far far FAR more appealing to me than spending the rest of my life in labs.

There's also the practical fact that.. well, you get PAID to go to graduate school in chemistry. This is because they know it is brutal and impossible and you cannot possibly have a job at the same time, so basically that's the only way they'll ever get anybody to do it. It was a significant motivating factor in keeping that as my goal. However, a writing science masters is only a year long, and while expensive I'm sure I could get grants and scholarships, and also since I'm pretty much definitely taking at least a year off before I do any grad school, I could get a job and save up to put myself through the program.

Does anyone have any thoughts? Advice? Am I being completely batty? It's kind of... novel, and exciting, and scary to have a different possible path in front of me. Meep!

Comments

[tiltingheartand]

... this is possibly not the response you were looking for, but OH MY GOD THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME PROGRAM EVER. *has a very quiet fit*

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW RIGHT?!? It's like, UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. I want to doooo it!!!

(This reaction is in contrast with my reaction when thinking of places to go to graduate school - I didn't WANT to go to the top places like MIT because I didn't think I could cut it with my science abilities. However, I can WRITE, I KNOW I can, and I want to push myself on that. I think this is probably a good direction for me to pursue!)

[tiltingheartand]

YOU REALLY REALLY SHOULD, OKAY, SERIOUSLY.

(Ahaha. Okay, not gonna lie, I could haver written that entire thing. I could say that I know exactly how you feel, but ... I think I have conveyed that! So I will just say that you would be marvelous at this, I know it.)

[theaerosolkid.livejournal.com]

ARE YOU SHITTING ME!? You'd be perfect for that!! You didn't even have to explain it. As soon as said writing for science, I was like omg Annie is PERFECT FOR THAT.

I'm really excited for you! Good luck!!

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

Aw thank you sweetie!! That really means a lot to me. Now I need to toss this idea out to other folks who know me and see how they react! It feels right to me, in some way, much more than chemistry does. I think that's a good sign!

*hugs*

[theaerosolkid.livejournal.com]

Good luck!! I'm here if you ever want to talk -- email me if you want my phone number, I am good at motivational texting. \o/

[huggenkiss.livejournal.com]

That is awesome! Count me in to be one of the cheerleaders in the corner encouraging you to go for it! :)

[go-gentle.livejournal.com]

Oh man, the grad school question. As the comment shows, I spend a lot of time asking myself this same thing.

So, here's the thing. Everything I have ever heard about grad school says 'don't do it unless you love your subject.' So, if I were basing my advice solely on this entry, I would say you should think less about chem grad school and more about science writing, because you just sound so much more excited about it. On the other hand, if science writing is what you want to do, I have no idea how helpful a degree in that is. But I think if that is what you love, you should at least explore that option further.

If you are interested in MIT in particular, I'd be glad to try to point you in some possibly helpful directions.

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

I think that's an excellent point, and a big red flag against me doing a PhD in chemistry. If I'm frustrated and unhappy with some lowkey summer research, I will BURN OUT in PhD research.

On the other hand, I can see myself flourishing in the environment described for that Masters in science writing.

I am VERY interested in the MIT program. Probably not right after college, but it never hurts to put out feelers. Let's talk! :D

[go-gentle.livejournal.com]

I know nothing about that specific program, but I can talk about living in Boston and MIT in a more general way. If you don't have questions now, all my contact info is in my profile for whenever you do.

[rogerpittman.livejournal.com]

My personal opinion? You should definitely consider it. It combines two things you love (science and writing) - that alone makes it worth some consideration.

[sunktheglow.livejournal.com]

I think that it's important you do something that excites you the way the idea of going into a science writing program does. I think that when you're faced with a life decision like this, you've got to look at both paths and run the pros and cons. What are you going to be happiest doing? And then you have to ask yourself questions like, is the work worth it? Plus, there's nothing written down that says you can't do one thing and maybe later, start on the other program.

[musical-emjay.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaaaa, I am so not the person who should be offering you advice. Flaky Arts Student, right here! ;D

For what it's worth, though, that program sounds fantastic, and if it's really the one thing that's made you sit up and go, "YES. YES. THAT'S WHAT I WANT" then I say go for it. One of the best things I did this year was stop kidding myself about the necessity of getting the "useful degree" (i.e. psychology) over doing something that I was actually good at/I had a passion for. I have no clue what the everloving fuck I'm going to do with a Film Studies degree, but for once, after two and a half years of almost crippling uncertainty, depression and fear, I feel excited about what I'm learning, and passionate. And that feeling is one of a kind.

So, I say look at your options, explore this direction further, and if things look good then DO IT. This sounds like such a perfect fit for you, so don't dismiss it out of hand! Think about all the things you took away from Dublin, about how much your life changed because you just reached out and grabbed it at every opportunity when you were there. Don't let go of that feeling ♥

[jamesinclair.livejournal.com]

I think its an excellent idea, and your chances of getting into MIT should be excellent.

Also, Boston is fun.

[jebbypal]

You know that after my own experiences, that I don't advocate going to grad school for chem/research if you have any doubts. It's long, it's painful, and all too quickly, it becomes a zero sum game of "but I already put so much time into it, how can I quit even if it makes me miserable".

So yes, your year off seems like an excellent idea to think about things. If contemplating the masters program seems like that much joy to you, it is something to pursue (it's late, and I've not read other posts, so if I repeat stuff, ignore me).

My advice would be to keep with your plans of at least a year off to knock around thinking about things -- that being said, using your chemistry background would get you a pretty lucrative job during that year off...so... But in the meantime, especially if you happen to have any friends in the MIT area, I'd suggest taking a trip to Boston and to MIT to talk to the school about the program and maybe talk to people in the program and maybe get info on the prospects of the graduates of the program versus someone who went and got a hard masters or phd in science to switch tracks and do science writing (which is a legitamte career path - some folk even start writing review articles and such for things like The Scientist while they're in grad school).

*hugs* You've still got time to explore your options and stuff. But it's much better to be exploring now than after two or three years of grad school misery.

[sorchasilver.livejournal.com]

I watched my former flatmate and best friend struggle on for five years to get a PhD in biology (specifically, recombinant DNA technology), hating the subject and science all the while. She didn't feel she could quit, and it made her MISERABLE. After graduation she switched tracks and went into management (she currently works in hospital administration for the NHS here). Her PhD is of no use to her, and probably never will be. She felt much as you do very early on, but couldn't see a way out. I hated watching her stress over it.

I think your year out is a very good plan, and I also think that you should definitely research this exciting new option, talk to some people, see what the benefits and disadvantages are. Whatever you do post-grad, it should be something that you find interesting and that motivates you. It doesn't sound as if that's a biochem PhD!

Good luck!

[crystal-lily.livejournal.com]

Darling, I think that would be absolutely perfect for you! :) I've always been amazed by your wonderful writing, even if it is just an everyday lj entry or an email. And if you can find a way to combine both your passions then I say go for it, or at least DEFINITELY start looking into it seriously. Heeeee. :)

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you sweetheart!! <3333 I really appreciate the vote of confidence! Yay!

[hebrew-hernia.livejournal.com]

DO SCIENCE WRITING. You can always do that program and if you decide science writing really isn't for you (which I doubt) or you want the Ph.D. you can always go back and get paid to get it, you know? But I think the science writing thing sounds faaaaabulous. I'm kind of sitting here salivating over it too. Whee!

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

That's very true, the Ph.D. would always be an option waiting for me if I had a change of heart or suddenly pined for the relentless monotony of laboratory research (ha). Doesn't that program sound fantastic?? I think you are of a similar mind to me and can totally understand why that is SO EXCITING OMG. *flaps hands a little* I just don't know! Meep! Scariness! I'm sure I will talk your ear off about this NEXT WEEKEND ZOMG.

[saekokato.livejournal.com]

Dude. That sounds like an awesome program! I seriously wish I was more interested in the physical sciences (or had the brain power to handle them at the higher levels).

I'm fairly certain that everything you've done thus far to prep for going to grad school in chemistry will be amazingly helpful when you apply to MIT. (BTW, MIT! Hee!) I know from experience that 36k+ a year is a little daunting (that's basically what I was paying a year for undergrad), but, like you said, grants and scholarships are available, saving up for a year will help, and there's always loans.

Add in that you'll be doing something you want to be doing? AWESOMENESS!

Basically, I'm firmly in the "Go For It, Girl!" column. ;P

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

I'm paying more than that for undergrad, so I definitely know that pain, I just wasn't expecting to extend it :P I suppose I'll just have to resign myself even more to being in debt for the rest of my natural life!

But if it gets me on a track that I'm truly interested in and excited about, well. I think that's worth it.

Thank you :)

[saekokato.livejournal.com]

If it helps any with the whole 'debt forever and ever and ever' thing, I know that there is a high demand for science/technical writers right now. So, you should be able to find a job pretty soon after graduation!

You are very welcome! ♥

[sweill.livejournal.com]

Go for it.
GO for it.
GO for IT.
GO FOR IT!

The technical world needs you.
:::nods:::
(And, OMG, I'm biased but MIT is made of awesome.)

[ethrosdemon.livejournal.com]

There is also the option of philosophy of science or sociology of science or the history of science. There are TONS of other fields for you to pursue thinking about science and writing about science that are not applied science. Also, you MUST listen to this radio series: http://www.cbc.ca/podcasting/index.html?newsandcurrent#thinkaboutscience

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I suppose that's true, but I feel like it's kind of less applied? I really like the immediacy of writing articles and having them published and communicate to lots of people right away. I will certainly look into that radio series though, thanks!