one more miracle

Time for a melancholy late night post.

This week has absolutely vanished. What am I doing with my time? I don't know. I've been fighting tooth and nail with this publication I'm trying to write for weeks (well, months) now. I had a period in January where I was super productive, then I skidded to a halt for various reasons and had a hard time getting over the activation barrier. I think I finally did it today though, just in time for my boss's return tomorrow. Phew.

Science is frustrating the shit out of me. Most days I hate it.

I got an email from my undergrad chemistry department's secretary. She wants a current photo of me to post on a bulletin board next to an essay I wrote for the department when I was a senior in college. The essay is titled "A Mile in Shoes that Don't Fit" and it's about how by doing research I realized that I... didn't want to do research.

A couple months later, I let other people change my mind. Now I'm at grad school.

So she wants my photo to put up my essay which might as well be titled "Anne is a Hypocrite." Excellent.

I wish I had listened to my instincts.

Tonight was a Very Bad No Good night. First I learned that Ryan J is leaving Empires. What the fuck. That means I likely saw his last show with them a couple weeks ago. I mean, I'm grateful to have had that, but RYAN!! :'((( I love Ryan so very much and the band won't be the same without him. I still remember my first Empires show in Baltimore, ages upon ages ago, when he cut his finger and showed us the blood, and shot nerf darts at Sean, and happily signed the print of Howl's cover that I had printed. He's such a joy to be around, always smiling, always kind and warm. And oh how he wails on those drums. I will miss him so very, very much. Bye Ryan J. :(

Then I learned of the very tragic suicide of a young man, a fellow football fan, whom I did not know but who was friends with friends of mine. I read his Twitter and his thoughtful, aching Tumblr posts. I couldn't help but notice how often the word death came up in the last couple weeks. I didn't know him but I saw a lovely, kind soul, a soul in so much pain, and I am inexpressibly sad that he could not find help. He was clearly loved and he will be missed. I am sorry that I never knew him. RIP James.

I rounded off this spectacular evening by watching the film Third Star, which stars Benedict Cumberbatch. He plays a young man dying of cancer who goes on one last trip with his friends. It is a lovely, tragic film, aching and fragmented and messy and it's about how sometimes you just don't have time to have a neat ending. So of course I ended that sobbing my eyeballs out.

Yeah. It's been a night. Off to bed with me.

A brief update because I feel like I neglect my LJ far too much these days!

Basically to sum up, everything from my last post is still pretty awesome. Indoor soccer was great again, except for how I managed to INJURE myself, god-fucking-dammit. I pulled my quad in high school and I managed to aggravate that old injury pretty badly tonight. :( I really hope the pain will pass quickly, because I don't want to be hampered for next week. I guess this is what I get for not treating my body right for several years. Oops! But the game was much more even this time, we won 2-0, and the guys and gals on my team continue to be really lovely. Iker!goalie is still super hot and super competent, so that is definitely not a bad thing. :D

Science is awesome with a side of terrifying - so many new things to do! Will I be up to it?! Eep. But it's exciting too. :)

And Matt is... Matt is kinda super awesome. I'm really enjoying this thing we've got going so far. Sunday, we went to see Inception (!!!!!!!!! TOM HARDY, PLZ DO ME. OR DO J GORDON-LEVITT. He was JANOVEC in BoB, you guys! <33333) and then back to his place where we just hung out, listened to The Postal Service on vinyl, and exchanged backrubs. I'm super comfortable with him - everything is at this really lovely place of affectionate physical intimacy that's really just cuddly and sweet, so I don't feel pressured or scared like I did with Dave. Basically the speed is lovely and I'm really enjoying it. Today, I went to visit him at the cafe after I left lab, which basically meant hanging out with my laptop, getting a free mug of AMAZING HOLY CRAP coffee (Intelligentsia's Summer Solstice - UNF. I didn't need sugar OR cream!), chatting with the German owner of the coffee shop, and meeting several of Matt's friends. Oh and flirting with Matt outrageously of course. :) It just felt like such a lovely, comfortable, domestic scene and I enjoyed it tremendously.

Fun story - a couple of Matt's friends had just walked in, and Matt called across the room to ask me what kind of coffee I wanted. I flirtatiously said "Why don't YOU decide for me?" A few minutes later, Matt introduced me to his friends, and the girl said "Ohhhhhh! I WONDERED why you were being so flirtatious! That makes more sense now!" And I just laughed and laughed, but I was also delighted because the fact that she recognized my name meant that he's been talking about me, which is rather :DDDDD. Hee!

Also, the other day he described himself as a "radical feminist", which is A++++++ in my book. It's hard enough to find a guy who will understand feminism, let alone one who IS a feminist. And he's not a poser - he's studied this shit and he really believes it. I said something like "I'm sorry I need to shave!" and he just shrugged and said "Why? I don't care. That's your choice." And I was like sdlkfjlskdf awww! I got big hearts in my eyes! ♥

My #ger girls on Twitter continue to brighten my life, as does Die Mannschaft itself. Today a video came to light which was a MONTAGE OF GERMAN FOOTBALLERS HUGGING that had AIRED ON GERMAN TELEVISION. Ahhhh I love Europe. ♥ Oh and I caved and ordered Die Spieler! COME TO ME, 200 GLOSSY PAGES OF MY BOOOYS.

I also spent this Saturday with my cousins and my sister at a Renaissance Faire! Always an amazing time. We saw REAL JOUSTING, as in, huge ass horses and genuine lances. It was a father against son joust, and the son (19 years old and adorable) got brutally unhorsed. Took quite the fall in 150 lbs of armor! He got back on the horse though, which was very impressive. That was a fantastic sight! And my favorite Ren Faire act, the Rogue Blades, was there, YAY! I've seen them probably 6 or 7 times now. :D They're a comedy-sword fighting troupe, and they've had the same skit for years upon years, but I always always love them. This year, they spontaneously added a fun twist where it became a Star Wars adlib on top of the usual plot, so they pretended their swords were light sabers, made sound effects, and called the short one Yoda. It was phenomenal. <3333

How are you, darlings? I'm ashamed to say I'm falling more and more chronically behind on my flist. :( I miss you!

Tonight I went to see A Single Man, the new film by Tom Ford starring Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, and Matthew Goode (♥). It was wonderful - if you get a chance to see it, please, please do. You won't regret it. Such a lovely piece of filmmaking - beautiful and quiet and heartbreaking and uplifting. Colin Firth's performance is a vision of understated genius. The camera work very much shows Tom Ford's designer eye, but in a really lovely way. All in all, a breathtaking cinematic experience - I literally found myself holding my breath in a few scenes.

For those who don't know, the film is set in the 60s and is about a professor (Colin Firth) whose long-term boyfriend/partner/not-legally-husband-but-essentially-that (Matthew Goode) is killed in a car accident. The film is one day in his life when he's trying to cope with this reality. There's flashbacks to them being adorable, so that's definitely a plus, but mostly it's about the power of love, and the vacuum it leaves when it's snatched away. Really just - a beautiful film. Here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aypyJtHzC70 (Can't embed :() I will say that the trailer's rather misleading - it's much less about The Ladiez than it seems, but they're also important in his life, which I think is a cool part about how this character is approached in a very natural, real way.

So, yes. Many many thumbs up. I've been anticipating this since I first heard "Matthew Goode's playing Colin Firth's boyfriend! \o/" but I had no idea it would be *this*. Lovely.

On a completely different note, I've realized that with the cancellation of Dollhouse (;______;), my viewing habits on a weekly basis are profoundly fluffy. Much more than they ever have been before. Every week, I watch: Big Bang Theory, White Collar, Life Unexpected (IT'S SO CUTE), Leverage, Bones, Castle, and Supernatural. The only holdout in the "serious" category is Friday Night Lights, but I'm only catching up with that sporadically, not watching every week, so it doesn't quite count. Once upon a time, Supernatural would have counted in the serious category, mostly because of the emotional resonance it carried for me every week, but now... not so much. I tune in mostly because I can't NOT tune in, it's so much a part of who I am. (Lol, lame.) I miss Battlestar Galactica so much. I miss Dollhouse already. I miss coherent, Winchester-driven Supernatural. I've got Band of Brothers right now to anchor me on the "thinking about my media" front, but it all just feels so... fluffy! Now, I love all these shows, but it's just getting a little bit too intensely sweet. Trouble is, I don't have the time to catch up with any of the good "serious" TV out there (Dexter, Mad Men, etc - any other suggestions?) so I'm kind of stuck, it's just something that's been bothering me a little. Where's all the good character-driven dramas, world? (Oh right, Joss Whedon wants to make them BUT YOU WON'T LET HIM. >:()

I'm just talking for the sake of talking so I'mma shut up now. You all stay safe in this crazy post-snowpocalyptic world! ♥

PS Thank you so so much to the lovely anonymouses who left me love in the Secret Admirer meme. You are too sweet. ♥

Dave is so marvelously indulgent of me. Because I've been making obscene noises just at the THOUGHT of Ewan and George together for the past week, Dave came with me to see The Men Who Stare at Goats. It was funny! I enjoyed it. Certainly not the best movie I've ever seen, but Ewan and George, okay. Half of the movie is them flailing about and being idiots together, and it's glorious. And I SHIP IT. Just sayin. I could have done without Clooney's mustache, but at one point he grows his hair out shoulder length cause he's a big hippie, and it's beautiful, okay. Look! Adorable! Eee, favorites. <333333 (Yes, I have tags for these two men. I LOVE THEM. A+ casting!)

And THEN, Dave indulged me FURTHER by watching The Boondock Saints with me. Is he the greatest or what?! I noted that BDS II is finally out here (even if it sucks, I'M REALLY EXCITED OKAY) and he was like 'ooh yeah but I want to see the first again before I see that.' So I was like, that can be arranged! :D! And so we went to his place and cuddled and watched MacManuses be beautiful together. And I recited lines along with the movie because I am that person. 'Each day we will spill their blood til it rains down from the skies!' Ugh I love that movie so damn much. <33333

Every day I get more comfortable with Dave. I've never experienced this before. Yay warmfuzzies. :D

The problem with being so comfortable with him is that I never leave his apartment at a reasonable time, dammit. I need to be IN LAB in 7.5 hours. Sigh. :P Goodnight my loves!

So I just finished watching Fast & Furious (sorry guys, I think it was a foregone conclusion) (I'll watch Ten Inch Hero soon, though I find it hilarious that it won the poll while all the comments were like LOL IT'S TERRIBLE. The power of Jensen compels you?) and sdfkjlskjf I don't know how I feeeeeel! My face was like this: :D :DDDDDD :O >:( ???:/ :OOOO ;________; :||||| :/ :O :D :DDDD :O :) :OOO :DDD :O DDDD: ...:D!

...I think that was pretty eloquent if I do say so myself. That was a pretty over the top movie, I must say, and much more gruesome than the original! But I'm fully in love with Dominic Turetto so he made everything okay. Brian was even a bit better in this one (I am of the opinion that Paul Walker actually can't act, and I don't find him pretty, so). They were much more gay too. I am VERY VERY MAD about the character death, but I do like that it motivated the movie. IDK. I probably won't buy it, but. Dom driving a steel grey Chevelle SS and then a black Charger? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM. I got actualfax tingles you guys. Meanwhile, Brian drives SUCH DOUCHEY cars, ahahahahah. Glad to see that hasn't changed. As random loser driver said, "muscle beats import any day!" Damn straight!

Today was such a strange day at work. My yeast experiments are.... not going well. The compound we desperately need is backordered until October. D: Oh well. That's why we run multiple projects! I finished synthesizing a peptide, and my morning was spent, literally, pouring stuff into a tube and watch it get pulled through by vacuum. It was a SIXTEEN STEP regeneration process for nickel resin. Ahaha. It wasn't that bad because my labmate lent me her iPod with a Lois McMaster Bujold audiobook, so that was fun! It turns out she's a total sci fi book nerd, which is AWESOME. ♥

But the craziest part of my day is this task I set myself. A paper just came out with literally buttloads of data, and we can use it to direct our research, but first we need to categorize the data. So I took four columns out of one of their spreadsheets and set myself the job of colorcoding the entries by which columns they appear in (i.e., which of the four proteins they interact with). So if this entry appears in columns A, C, and D, it's light blue. If it appears in A and B, it's bright green. I have 12 different colors, and there's 500 entries.... in the first column. I am up to 440, but then there's the second column to do. LOLWHAT. I set up a system by which I can check a entry, choose a color, and color all its appearances in roughly ten seconds, but man that was tiring on my hands! Strangely addicting though. IDEK. And now I'm going to do more of it!

Toodles! ♥