one more miracle

This morning, I woke up to an email from Dr. Rozas (my putative advisor at Trinity) telling me that two of her grant proposals were refused.

I spent about an hour total today crying or fighting back tears. I haven't had something hit me with such an emotional blow in... a long time. I couldn't even be enthusiastic about Obama today.

My tears were largely born of guilt and shame. This bears out what has been tickling at the back of my mind for a while now - going to Trinity is probably not a smart decision, academically and careerwise. But for my heart? It was the ONLY decision. So I couldn't manage to even consider denying MYSELF the chance to go to Trinity. I can't be that self-disciplined. Considering other options seemed like admitting there was a good chance it wouldn't happen. Oh, I rationalized, I argued, I reasoned, but in the end - I didn't want to admit that there was anything but Trinity.

My first reaction was to go to the GRE website and look at possible dates I could take it. It turns out this was the best impulse, and having talked to my advisor, my biochem professor, and both of my professors, I've got a plan in place. I have registered for a date to take the GRE (Dec 2) and I have looked at most of the top chemistry schools. I am limited by time (a lot of the BEST schools have application deadlines at the beginning of December) but there are a number of options still open to me, and so far I've got the following list:

1. University of Michigan (Ann Arbor)
   
2. Johns Hopkins University (Baltimore)
   
3. University of Washington (Seattle)

This is going to be a new burden to me in this extremely stressful last month of the semester, but I think with this massive reality check, I have the motivation and drive to accomplish what needs to be done. I'll use Thanksgiving largely to write applications and study for the GRE.

To be clear, my Trinity hopes are not gone. She's applying for other grants, and still really wants me to come. However, this bucket of ice water has made me realize that I really probably *should* stay here and take advantage of our incredible schools. And be a part of the Obama revolution.

So while this extremely disappointing, I am not crushed to the ground. Will I miss all my Dublin loves? Of course. A lot. If I think about Niall and Dara and Paddy and Louise my stomach clenches uncomfortably with missing. But, you know, they won't disappear. I can go visit next summer, or take a postdoctorate position at Trinity. Who knows.

I'm still sad though :(

Okay, it's time for a cheerful and optimistic post about my future prospects!

Get this: I might get my Ph.D. at Trinity College Dublin.

....

I mean, EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Okay, it all started when I emailed one of my favorite profs from Ireland asking her if she knew about any job opportunities in Dublin for a person with a BA in Chemistry. She replied with this:

"Have you consider doing postgraduate studies here in Dublin?? I remember you were a brilliant student and I am certain that you could find funding here. I do not have a grant available just now but if you would like to work with me I could try to get some money here and there and we could prepare some proposal for you to apply here."

(Some of the odd grammar is because she's from Spain. She's such a lovely woman!) So basically she's saying, I would love you to work for me and I will MAKE IT HAPPEN. That email quite literally blew my mind. I hadn't let myself consider the possibility of going back to Dublin for a Ph.D., considering it prohibitive in a financial sense, but the more research I do into the matter, the more convinced I am that I could do it! For one thing, they ALSO pay their chemistry PhD students a stipend and waive the fees, just like here in America. (I didn't know that!) For another, the application process is so much simpler - no GRE, no personal statement. I just work with a professor at Trinity to develop a proposal along the lines of their current research, send in my CV and a couple recommendations, and bam. It happens. (I'm pretty damn sure I'd get in too. A BA in chemistry from a prestigious American school, very high grades here, and VERY high grades in the year I SPENT at Trinity. Plus this personal support, which I'm confident would be backed up by other members of the Chemistry department.)

My mind is blown.

And it's not like I'd be SETTLING for anything. Trinity is a damn fine school - ranked 53rd in the WORLD, and frequently mentioned in the same breath as Oxford and Cambridge. I'd be back in DUBLIN, the home of my heart. When I told Louise I was considering it, she was like YOU MUST DO THIS. I would be back with Louise and Niall and Paddy and Dara and Barry and Conor and Paul and Ronan and Niall C and EVERYONE and the thought just makes me want to explode for joy.

Another great thing is that I think I could really love working for this woman. Her name is Isabel Rozas and she's a medicinal chemist working on drug design. I absolutely loved the three classes I took with her, and I'm quite fascinated by the details of drug design. How cool would that be??? It combines organic chemistry and biochemistry in such a brilliant way. I don't think I'd want to do it for my life, since pharmaceuticals scare me, but as a Ph.D. project? Hells yes!

I think... I think this might actually happen! I have a meeting with the international studies dean here at my college tomorrow. I'm trying not to get my heart too set on this (I haven't even spoken to my parents, and this essentially amounts to MOVING OUT OF THE COUNTRY for four years) but oh. Oh I want to go.

&DUBLIN;

Hello beautifuls! I know I haven't posted in a while, I'm sorry. I've been extremely busy!

The major development is that I moved back to Pennsylvania into my new apartment at my college to do research for the summer. I drove down on Thursday night, crashed on a friend's couch, and moved in Friday morning (after an annoying kerfluffle to get my hands on my keys). My apartment is surprisingly lovely, and looks like it was just completely renovated, which I did not expect! Brand new furniture, everything spic and span, and it's BIG. It's for three people and it's almost twice the size of my four person apartment in Dublin. We each get our own bedroom, with a double bed and closet. The living area is big, with a dining table and chairs, a couch and armchair and side tables, and the kitchen is big with loads of counter space and a DISH WASHER. But it also has character, since I think it was just recently a very old and crappy apartment, so it retains some of that age. The walls on the outside are white-painted brick, and criss-crossing all the ceilings are water pipes that are painted a pleasing dark green. There are also three big wooden support beams exposed at intervals down the hallway, they're cool. I really love it, and I can't wait to share it with my two best friends! \o/

I spent the last couple days buying an obscene amount of STUFF to supply it, because although it was furnished, it had NOTHING else, not even, like, a shower curtain. So I went to Sears and the grocery store and Walmart and completely stocked up. At Sears I found this adorable bathroom set on clearance sale, so everything in my bathroom matches, from the shower curtain to the bath mat, to the toothbrush holder, hand towel, and trash can. It's awesome \o/ I also got dishes and utensils and pots and pans and FOOD. It was quite the undertaking, but I am very pleased with my home making efforts!

My friend Thomas, who graduated last year and whom I haven't seen since before I left for Dublin, is living in DC right now so he took a train up and spent the weekend with me! He helped me shop for stuff, and we hung out with our other friends that are here for the summer and had a really good time together. It was really really nice to see him again. It's also great to see the other people staying here, including Fei, Ryan, Audrey, Kathan, Alyssa, and others who I haven't run into yet. I don't think I'll get too lonely this summer :)

Today before I took Thomas to the train station, we took a walk on campus, and we ran into this woman and her son who was wearing a Trinity College Dublin t-shirt! I asked if he went there, and it turned out that his older brother is going there for four years! AND, the woman had a lovely Irish accent!!! They live in Massachusetts but she must have grown up in Ireland. I was so excited! We talked about Trinity and F&M (my college, which her older son considered and her younger one is considering now) and how jealous of her son I was for getting to spend four years at Trinity! She was really lovely, and it was such a coincidental, fun encounter. Even funnier is that her son is in freshman science, so there's a good chance he knows Dara, Paul, and Richard!! So weird, but really cool. That totally made my day :D

So that's kind of all the basics of my current situation. I start work tomorrow morning (blegh) and today is going to be spent first going over to Fei's to watch the Italy-Spain quarterfinal, then unpacking and organizing my new apartment, and reading up on papers to brush up on my research project. I wish my life would slow down a little bit, but I'm okay for the moment.

OH AND ALSO I WATCHED THE LEAKED SGA SEASON FIVE PREMIERE AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME SQUEE IN THE COMMENTS OMG IT WAS AMAZING.

Ahem. /squee :D

Toodles, loves!

Day One plus Rules

Another day in Dublin. This time mostly at night.

( Day Two )

I had a lovely evening tonight. I adore my girls and our one boy <333

My first day of freedom I got woken up at 11 AM by a phone call from Dara.

This is my face: :D :D :D