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exsequarChange is a daunting thing - scary, strange, sometimes sad, often exciting. And I have reached a point of extreme change in my life, which I had not quite fully realized until last night and tonight, when I had long, wonderful dinners with two good friends and talked and talked. And talked. And then realized I would not be seeing them for a very long time - in one case, perhaps ever again. As the bitter icing on the cake, Awesome Roommate left tonight - and I won't see him again, except perhaps briefly when I come back to college to visit before I jet off to Ireland.
It is, as AR said, "The end of an era."
This summer has been a milestone in my young life - for the first time, I was completely independent (well, almost completely. Near as makes no never mind). I had a full time job (one that required actual skill!), I was paying my own rent on my own apartment, I had a car and experienced the joys of car repairs, I had to feed myself 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Clearly I am not the first person to experience this, but it's huge to me - not being dependent on anyone was a terrifying thought not months ago, and here I am. I survived (quite well, barring some... incidents early on :P) and I have become my own, autonomous person. During the first few weeks I was here, I called my dad literally every day, sometimes multiple times, for advice or help or just to talk to him because I missed him like an arm. Now I call him maybe once a week, and it's still wonderful and totally makes my day, but I don't need to anymore. And it kind of astonishes me to realize that. I've sort of grown up while I wasn't looking. I clearly have a long way to go, but this has been a big and important step.
But now that's over. In 5 days, I'll be going back home, and I'll once again be under the care of others. And THEN, in less than two months (!!!), I fly to a foreign country to live for a year. My mind still cannot wrap around this concept! It's a bit easier now that I've had this summer of autonomy, but it's still scary and exhilarating and I absolutely can't wait.
However, the consequence (and it is a huge one) is this - all of my friends who are a year older than me will have graduated when I get back. And it's not like I get back soon after, so they might still be around - I'll be getting back almost two months after graduation, so all my friends will have scattered to the winds. It's a sobering thought. Here at college, there's no clear lines between classes, like there is in high school. There's just a friendly mishmash of ages and backgrounds and all kinds of things, and running in the Oxfam crowd has gotten me some truly incredible older friends who I look up to and admire and adore. Several of them are already gone - I miss Layne, Atilla, Marisa, and Keely terribly. And since I am vanishing for a year, even more will be gone when I return - Jake (Awesome Roomie!!), Thomas, Laura, Jesse. Just. GONE. And I have become so used to them being daily presences in my life at school, I'm finding it hard to face that so many warm, friendly faces that I've shared such great times with are just going to be... not there anymore. I'm crying as I write this because it's really hitting me - this is the end of something big. These people will never be a part of my life on a regular basis again. And I took them for granted, I didn't appreciate the precious time I had, and now I regret it because. It's over! I can barely process that I am halfway through college, and it seems like senior year is almost going to be completely alien because so much familiarity will be gone. I'm scared of that, scared and sad and regretful. I'm glad that I've met so many fantastic people, but I wish I had more time with them. Could college go on forever? Please? That would be great.
*sigh* So. Yeah. It's all quite overwhelming. I was so preoccupied with my excitement about going to Dublin that I didn't stop to think about the ramifications. They're pretty huge.
It is, as AR said, "The end of an era."
This summer has been a milestone in my young life - for the first time, I was completely independent (well, almost completely. Near as makes no never mind). I had a full time job (one that required actual skill!), I was paying my own rent on my own apartment, I had a car and experienced the joys of car repairs, I had to feed myself 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Clearly I am not the first person to experience this, but it's huge to me - not being dependent on anyone was a terrifying thought not months ago, and here I am. I survived (quite well, barring some... incidents early on :P) and I have become my own, autonomous person. During the first few weeks I was here, I called my dad literally every day, sometimes multiple times, for advice or help or just to talk to him because I missed him like an arm. Now I call him maybe once a week, and it's still wonderful and totally makes my day, but I don't need to anymore. And it kind of astonishes me to realize that. I've sort of grown up while I wasn't looking. I clearly have a long way to go, but this has been a big and important step.
But now that's over. In 5 days, I'll be going back home, and I'll once again be under the care of others. And THEN, in less than two months (!!!), I fly to a foreign country to live for a year. My mind still cannot wrap around this concept! It's a bit easier now that I've had this summer of autonomy, but it's still scary and exhilarating and I absolutely can't wait.
However, the consequence (and it is a huge one) is this - all of my friends who are a year older than me will have graduated when I get back. And it's not like I get back soon after, so they might still be around - I'll be getting back almost two months after graduation, so all my friends will have scattered to the winds. It's a sobering thought. Here at college, there's no clear lines between classes, like there is in high school. There's just a friendly mishmash of ages and backgrounds and all kinds of things, and running in the Oxfam crowd has gotten me some truly incredible older friends who I look up to and admire and adore. Several of them are already gone - I miss Layne, Atilla, Marisa, and Keely terribly. And since I am vanishing for a year, even more will be gone when I return - Jake (Awesome Roomie!!), Thomas, Laura, Jesse. Just. GONE. And I have become so used to them being daily presences in my life at school, I'm finding it hard to face that so many warm, friendly faces that I've shared such great times with are just going to be... not there anymore. I'm crying as I write this because it's really hitting me - this is the end of something big. These people will never be a part of my life on a regular basis again. And I took them for granted, I didn't appreciate the precious time I had, and now I regret it because. It's over! I can barely process that I am halfway through college, and it seems like senior year is almost going to be completely alien because so much familiarity will be gone. I'm scared of that, scared and sad and regretful. I'm glad that I've met so many fantastic people, but I wish I had more time with them. Could college go on forever? Please? That would be great.
*sigh* So. Yeah. It's all quite overwhelming. I was so preoccupied with my excitement about going to Dublin that I didn't stop to think about the ramifications. They're pretty huge.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 01:19 am (UTC)Also, will you have internet while you're in Ireland? You will, right? =/
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 03:47 am (UTC)I went through this same thing. I didn't want college to end, ever. It was excellent (even though I drove everyone crazy with all my 24/7 fretting).
But it did end and things moved on. And lots and lots of wonderful things happened, new adventures, challenges, friends. And I kept college friends too.
You should feel sad but know that lots of good stuff will happen in the future. Really cool stuff.
And Ireland *squeals for you* in your near future.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:05 am (UTC)I moved away from my H.S. (and all my friends) in my Junior year, and went into Independent Studies to get my diploma, which kind of left me socially crippled because I enjoyed my alone time too much (enter TV obsession). So, without the whole graduation ceremony, where you really say goodbye, it took me awhile before I felt like "omfg, I may never see any of my friends again", and that's terrifying. Sadly, when you're in H.S. all you can see is H.S. and focus surviving the next day, then it's over and you're like "wait... what?" So I think it's similar for you and College.
But now, (you and I both) are heading off to a different country for school, and I'm going to be going through what you just did this summer: being on my own (in a dorm, obviously) and away from my family for the first time. But, we're going to make all new friends and have a great time, despite how scary it might seem, or how depressing it is now. Because once we're there, it'll be this new chapter, and we'll be ready for it to change :D If the future you (the one nearing the end of her year in Ireland) could tell the present you anything, it'd probably be not to worry, and how exciting and amazing your year is going to be, and all the shiny new people you'll meet :D But see, you don't know that yet. In so many situations I look back and go "that was a waste of negative emotion, if I only knew then..." because it gets so much better, we just can't see that 'till we're out of it. And I know you're excited, I'm not saying you're not, and I know this is more about what you're leaving rather than what you'll be gaining. But just know that, when one great thing leaves your life? Whether it be friends or whatever? The next one comes in, and it's even better than the last! And you never know when you'll meet your old friends again. After 30 years my mom ran into her best friend from High School at the store, and they've kept in touch ever since, even though they hadn't over those 30 years. She even got my mom a job, when she really needed it. That story makes me feel more hopeful about my friendships, knowing they'll come back into your life when you need them, and at just the right time :)
Anyway, I'm babbling. I love you lots and I know this is going to be amazing for you and I hope you feel better soon ♥ ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:05 am (UTC)I think that even if you weren't going to Ireland, it would still seem like your older friends were leaving too soon, that the extra year would not be enough.
I think that you didn't really consider the ramifications about going to Dublin because they're really not that different from the ramifications of going to college in a different state: you're missing what's going on at home, you're far away, you're on your own, but at the same time you're never more than a phone call or email or plane ride away. The plane ride's a little longer, and the phone call might sound funny, and the culture shock is probably gonna be a little bigger, but I think that's basically it. It's just that now you've got two different homes you're leaving-- your home-home, where your parents are, and the home and the family you've made at F&M.
So yeah, it's big and it's scary but you're excited about it, and you will be fine, you will be better than fine, you will be AMAZING and Dublin will be AMAZING and those of us back here in the States will be super jealous of your extremely cultivated overseas-ness.
P.S. I'm around Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. When is good for you for the DVD drop (and possible hanging out, depending of course on your schedule)?
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:21 am (UTC)Thanks for your thoughts, hon. I appreciate it :D
Lessee. I'm thinking... Sunday would be best? Definitely for at least some hang out time, but I do need to dedicate most of that day to packing. But I do want to see you and hang out and have fun one more time! When on Sunday were you thinking?
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 06:02 am (UTC)You've done so well for yourself, I just know your year in Dublin will be amazing and you'll rise to every challenge admirably. Go you :D *waves pom-poms*
♥ ♥ ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 06:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 09:18 am (UTC)