![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
exsequarChange is a daunting thing - scary, strange, sometimes sad, often exciting. And I have reached a point of extreme change in my life, which I had not quite fully realized until last night and tonight, when I had long, wonderful dinners with two good friends and talked and talked. And talked. And then realized I would not be seeing them for a very long time - in one case, perhaps ever again. As the bitter icing on the cake, Awesome Roommate left tonight - and I won't see him again, except perhaps briefly when I come back to college to visit before I jet off to Ireland.
It is, as AR said, "The end of an era."
This summer has been a milestone in my young life - for the first time, I was completely independent (well, almost completely. Near as makes no never mind). I had a full time job (one that required actual skill!), I was paying my own rent on my own apartment, I had a car and experienced the joys of car repairs, I had to feed myself 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Clearly I am not the first person to experience this, but it's huge to me - not being dependent on anyone was a terrifying thought not months ago, and here I am. I survived (quite well, barring some... incidents early on :P) and I have become my own, autonomous person. During the first few weeks I was here, I called my dad literally every day, sometimes multiple times, for advice or help or just to talk to him because I missed him like an arm. Now I call him maybe once a week, and it's still wonderful and totally makes my day, but I don't need to anymore. And it kind of astonishes me to realize that. I've sort of grown up while I wasn't looking. I clearly have a long way to go, but this has been a big and important step.
But now that's over. In 5 days, I'll be going back home, and I'll once again be under the care of others. And THEN, in less than two months (!!!), I fly to a foreign country to live for a year. My mind still cannot wrap around this concept! It's a bit easier now that I've had this summer of autonomy, but it's still scary and exhilarating and I absolutely can't wait.
However, the consequence (and it is a huge one) is this - all of my friends who are a year older than me will have graduated when I get back. And it's not like I get back soon after, so they might still be around - I'll be getting back almost two months after graduation, so all my friends will have scattered to the winds. It's a sobering thought. Here at college, there's no clear lines between classes, like there is in high school. There's just a friendly mishmash of ages and backgrounds and all kinds of things, and running in the Oxfam crowd has gotten me some truly incredible older friends who I look up to and admire and adore. Several of them are already gone - I miss Layne, Atilla, Marisa, and Keely terribly. And since I am vanishing for a year, even more will be gone when I return - Jake (Awesome Roomie!!), Thomas, Laura, Jesse. Just. GONE. And I have become so used to them being daily presences in my life at school, I'm finding it hard to face that so many warm, friendly faces that I've shared such great times with are just going to be... not there anymore. I'm crying as I write this because it's really hitting me - this is the end of something big. These people will never be a part of my life on a regular basis again. And I took them for granted, I didn't appreciate the precious time I had, and now I regret it because. It's over! I can barely process that I am halfway through college, and it seems like senior year is almost going to be completely alien because so much familiarity will be gone. I'm scared of that, scared and sad and regretful. I'm glad that I've met so many fantastic people, but I wish I had more time with them. Could college go on forever? Please? That would be great.
*sigh* So. Yeah. It's all quite overwhelming. I was so preoccupied with my excitement about going to Dublin that I didn't stop to think about the ramifications. They're pretty huge.
It is, as AR said, "The end of an era."
This summer has been a milestone in my young life - for the first time, I was completely independent (well, almost completely. Near as makes no never mind). I had a full time job (one that required actual skill!), I was paying my own rent on my own apartment, I had a car and experienced the joys of car repairs, I had to feed myself 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Clearly I am not the first person to experience this, but it's huge to me - not being dependent on anyone was a terrifying thought not months ago, and here I am. I survived (quite well, barring some... incidents early on :P) and I have become my own, autonomous person. During the first few weeks I was here, I called my dad literally every day, sometimes multiple times, for advice or help or just to talk to him because I missed him like an arm. Now I call him maybe once a week, and it's still wonderful and totally makes my day, but I don't need to anymore. And it kind of astonishes me to realize that. I've sort of grown up while I wasn't looking. I clearly have a long way to go, but this has been a big and important step.
But now that's over. In 5 days, I'll be going back home, and I'll once again be under the care of others. And THEN, in less than two months (!!!), I fly to a foreign country to live for a year. My mind still cannot wrap around this concept! It's a bit easier now that I've had this summer of autonomy, but it's still scary and exhilarating and I absolutely can't wait.
However, the consequence (and it is a huge one) is this - all of my friends who are a year older than me will have graduated when I get back. And it's not like I get back soon after, so they might still be around - I'll be getting back almost two months after graduation, so all my friends will have scattered to the winds. It's a sobering thought. Here at college, there's no clear lines between classes, like there is in high school. There's just a friendly mishmash of ages and backgrounds and all kinds of things, and running in the Oxfam crowd has gotten me some truly incredible older friends who I look up to and admire and adore. Several of them are already gone - I miss Layne, Atilla, Marisa, and Keely terribly. And since I am vanishing for a year, even more will be gone when I return - Jake (Awesome Roomie!!), Thomas, Laura, Jesse. Just. GONE. And I have become so used to them being daily presences in my life at school, I'm finding it hard to face that so many warm, friendly faces that I've shared such great times with are just going to be... not there anymore. I'm crying as I write this because it's really hitting me - this is the end of something big. These people will never be a part of my life on a regular basis again. And I took them for granted, I didn't appreciate the precious time I had, and now I regret it because. It's over! I can barely process that I am halfway through college, and it seems like senior year is almost going to be completely alien because so much familiarity will be gone. I'm scared of that, scared and sad and regretful. I'm glad that I've met so many fantastic people, but I wish I had more time with them. Could college go on forever? Please? That would be great.
*sigh* So. Yeah. It's all quite overwhelming. I was so preoccupied with my excitement about going to Dublin that I didn't stop to think about the ramifications. They're pretty huge.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:21 am (UTC)Thanks for your thoughts, hon. I appreciate it :D
Lessee. I'm thinking... Sunday would be best? Definitely for at least some hang out time, but I do need to dedicate most of that day to packing. But I do want to see you and hang out and have fun one more time! When on Sunday were you thinking?
no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-03 05:32 am (UTC)