How wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying

[exsequar]

Thank you so so so much to everyone who loved up on me in the Love Meme. I had tears streaming down my face, no lie. I usually steer completely clear of those kinds of things (there's too much potential for hurt feelings in addition to all the love, and it just feels too high school) but since it just HAPPENED, I'm all verklempt. You guys are awesome, seriously ♥

And now I want to say something.

Okay. Here's the thing. There are four hundred people that have this journal friended. Seriously. FOUR HUNDRED. That number is just. Ridiculous and I can't quite wrap my head around it. I know that probably half of those people have filtered me out long ago, or don't use LJ anymore, or whatever, but that still leaves a fuckton of people with their eyes at least glancing over this journal on a regular basis. And yet the amount of comments I receive has seemed to stay more or less steady at around 5-10 per entry for at least the last couple years. And this makes me feel kind of weird and uncomfortable. It has two dimensions - for one thing, I feel sometimes like I'm just kind of yelling out into a black void and my words are getting swallowed up. For another, it also feels like I'm in a goldfish bowl, with everyone kind of hovering around and able to see me, but not reaching in an interacting. It's weird and a little bit out of control.

I think I let it get to this point because I never stopped treating this journal as something temporary. When I got my LJ, it was just kinda like, oh this will be fun, but I didn't think it would become an integral part of my life like it really has. I've had this journal for 3 years and a month, now. That's a long time in my young life. And I've been something of a fandom butterfly, flitting back and forth and hither and yon and piling up friends but never really fully leaving a fandom, and I don't think I can let it get much further.

And here is where I admit my shameful secret - I read on filters. I know, it's terrible, but if anyone says to me they could totally keep up with 518 journals, well, I'd tell them they were a liar. Not to mention I've lost interest in a lot of what those journals have to say. And I know it's somehow not kosher to let people friend you and not friend them back, but what else am I supposed to do?? If I friended everyone who has me friended, that would be over SIX HUNDRED journals. o.O That's just not realistic. So more often than not nowadays, I don't friend back. I feel kind of bad, but there's nothing else I can do! This is the reason I could never go friends only, and I really don't understand people who DO go friends only. If you go that route, doesn't it mean you pretty much have to friend everyone who wants to friend you, and then either read their journals or read on filters, which is ANOTHER faux pas? It's a catch-22! I hate friending etiquette, I really do, because it always feels like you're doing something wrong.

So all of this is to say - I think I'm going to do a pretty significant friends cut. I apologize profusely in advance if I hurt anyone's feelings, and I know it's going to be hard, but I just have to do it. Feel free to defriend me, honestly, I'm declaring defriending amnesty right now. And if you have anything to say to me about all of the above, please do! Maybe I'm being a bitch with this post? Idk! Please tell me if I am, because I hate being a bitch /o\

Good thing I'm home early and have no plans for the evening... this is gonna take a while -_-

Comments

long comment beware! hehe :)

[dove95.livejournal.com]

I so know what you're saying about feeling like you're speaking to a void. Even the percentage of having only five people comment when you have 91 friends (like myself), it feels similar. I've done a poll just to see if anyone even reads my LJ but they just don't know what to say/don't feel like commenting, and I'd say a good portion of my LJ friends are like that. And, not tooting my own horn, but it's not from a lack of interest... they just generally don't comment. I don't get that. I mean, I comment on every entry that I can, when I can... no matter WHO reads me, because I know the importance of communication.

Granted, 500 friends *is* A LOT, so basically I recommend that you seriously and in no-harm-intended way trim it down to a number of people that you're genuinely interested in reading about and who you know are interested in what you have to say as well. That's my two cents about that.

I know I suck at regularly commenting in your LJ, but I am reading about your ventures and think you've got the whole world ahead of you. That said, I can completely understand if I'm one of the numbers you cut from list. No foul done, and if I ever see you again at another WinCon, it's no biggie...I'll still treat you the same :)

I'm not going to be one of those people who say that I think writing this type of entry is wrong (some people do it out of attention; some people do it because they like to see people beg to be left on), but I think your point is important... especially voicing for the rest of us when we want to feel validated and acknowledged once in a while.

Either way you decide with me, I always wish you well!

Re: long comment beware! hehe :)

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

There's not a lot of room for me to talk, regarding the commenting thing. I mean, I do comment, but not on everything - it takes enough time to get through my flist just skimming through! So it's probably dumb of me to complain, and I think it's very admirable that you do that.

I am so glad that I finally decided to do this cut. It's LONG overdue, and will make everything just so much more manageable and less guilt-laden.

I must confess that I'm very surprised that you're still reading my journal. That's very sweet of you.

I was definitely not posting this to get people to ask to stay on, not at ALL, and I was in fact surprised when a couple people commented to that effect. If people are around and we communicate pretty much at all, they are STAYING. This is about getting rid of people that I don't even remember having on my flist, much less interact with on a regular basis. It's just... a garage cleaning, if that's not an awful analogy, heh. I hope this doesn't come across as a cry for attention though!

Thank you for such a lovely comment :)

Re: long comment beware! hehe :)

[dove95.livejournal.com]

I know I'm so delayed in replying back to this, but hey, that's what Sunday is for!

I think the reason I still read you is because I did meet you briefly at Wincon and you were nice. To me, unless we're just drastically different personalities with drastically different interests, I'll usually keep people I've met in RL friended.

But as far as I can see you're still warm and into Supernatural and relationship stuff. While I'm sure you've noticed I don't follow bandom, I'm still noseying in the other stuff :)