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[exsequar]

Thanks to the absolutely wonderful pencil_tricks and hermioneluna, both of whom really get me, I have finally produced a personal statement for my grad school applications that I'm very proud of. (For those who may not be aware, I'm applying to four schools for PhD programs in Biochemistry or Chemical Biology.) I figure, I have an entire group of writers and readers at my fingertips, so why not make use of them? Thus, I come soliciting your advice!

Tell me anything you think is relevant - tone, flow, grammar, content, whether you feel it accurately reflects me. I just want multiple eyes on this before I rest my ENTIRE FATE OH GOD on its shoulders.

Thanks so much in advance guys!


Anne Gillies
PERSONAL STATEMENT

My dad has taught for 22 years at the school I attended between the ages of 5 and 18, and for the past decade he has been a science teacher for young kids. Before that was his official job, he encouraged my boundless curiosity by telling me everything he knew about the world around us. I remember car trips where he would point out the stratified cliffs at the side of the road and muse out loud about what type of rock they might contain. He loved to quiz me about what types of clouds were in the sky on a given day. During the many years I attended his summer camp, our nature walks were one of my favorite activities, when we would identify leaves shaped like mittens and seedpods with spiky shells. From the earliest age, my dad instilled a wonder and fascination with the natural world in me, and taught me to ask questions about how and why things are the way they are.

My dad’s influence seeded fertile soil that was to be tended with love and care through the entirety of my educational career. I was blessed with a parade of gifted and compassionate teachers who nurtured my natural curiosity, which expanded in every direction under their influence. I fell in love with James Joyce under the guidance of the most intelligent woman I have ever known, and grappled with the complexities of calculus as taught by a vibrant Russian mathematician. However, I knew from a remarkably early point that biochemistry was where my true fascination lay. My freshman biology teacher gave me my first taste of “real” science, and I was hooked, almost as much by his cheerful approach as the material. Sophomore year, I was treated to a genuinely brilliant chemistry teacher. I found myself drawn in either class to the places where they overlapped: the biological relevance of chemical reactions, and the most detail-oriented aspects of biology. I was intrigued by the most intricate mechanisms of life itself, and resolved to pursue this fascination as I moved forward.

I took this conviction with me directly into college, and let nothing stand in my way. While completing my first year at Franklin & Marshall, I decided that I wanted to get my hands dirty right away and start doing hands-on research. I was told that it would be unlikely to find a position as a wet-behind-the-ears freshman, but nevertheless I applied for several summer research positions, many targeted at sophomores and juniors. Happily, I was accepted into the Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship program at Michigan State University, with a position in the Toxicology and Pharmacology Department. I spent that summer becoming adept at obtaining and preparing rat arteries and veins and then performing studies with a vasoconstrictive drug, endothelin-1. More importantly, I developed skills essential to being a scientist; I wrote a paper on my work and gave a presentation to the entire department. From that point on, I had a concrete reference point for the concept of “research,” which informed my further engagement with the sciences in a very real way.

The next year, I again refused to hear the word “can’t” and vigorously pursued the opportunity to study abroad, which is notoriously difficult as a science major. With the help of my college’s study abroad office, I discovered the Trans-Atlantic Science Student Exchange Program and the chance to study at Trinity College Dublin for an entire year. Having been fascinated by Irish history and culture since a crash course in high school, I leapt at the chance. After slogging my way through months of administrative sloth, I was accepted and set off across the ocean. Little did I know that the year I spent in Dublin would transform me in every way, from the academic to the deeply personal. I blossomed dramatically out of my rather introverted shell, and built an entire life there with people that I came to love with all of my heart. At the same time, I was immersed up to my neck in a completely novel educational system. I took third year level chemistry and biochemistry courses with students who had much more focused science backgrounds than I. The transition was overwhelming at first, but it pushed me to be a fully independent student, solely responsible for my own mastery of the material. The comprehensive set of exams at the end of the year, which covered 9 months of lectures, was a challenge whose sheer magnitude intimidated me, but I set up camp in the library and ultimately triumphed. The experience turned me into a more confident student and person, better prepared to handle whatever life throws at me.

Now here I stand at the next fork in the road. The curiosity of that little girl who asked endless questions of her all-knowing father persists unabated, her appetite whetted by years of top-notch education, yet unsatisfied. I want to ask the questions that pierce deepest. A graduate education is the ideal tool with which I can truly begin to immerse myself in the smallest details to explain the largest phenomena. Life is a miracle that defies explanation, but I’d like to try my hand.

Comments

[tty63.livejournal.com]

I like the tone of this and the curiosity and optimism that comes through. I’ve indicated changes I’d suggest using [ ]. Please take as many of my suggestions as you wish and leave the ones you don’t want. If you have any questions or want me to look it over again when you’ve edited it, please comment or email me (tty_63 @ yahoo.ca).

(Also, I've never hit the comment limit before! A first for me! :)

My dad has taught for 22 years at the school I attended between the ages of 5 and 18, and for the past decade he has been a science teacher for young kids. [children] Before that was his official job, [unclear – maybe ‘Before teaching me was his official job’] he encouraged my boundless curiosity by telling me everything he knew about the world around us. I remember car trips where he would point out the stratified cliffs at the side of the road and muse [wonder] out loud about what type of rock they might contain. He loved to quiz me about what types of clouds were in the sky on a given day. During the many years I attended his summer camp, our nature walks were one of my favorite activities, when we would identify leaves shaped like mittens and seedpods with spiky shells. From the earliest age, my dad instilled a wonder and fascination with the natural world in me, and taught me to ask questions about how and why things are the way they are.

My dad’s influence seeded fertile soil that was to be tended with love and care through [throughout] the entirety of my educational career. [This sentence is unclear – the metaphor has issues – the soil was cared for? Or was it the plants? Maybe use a different metaphor or eliminate it altogether. Also, your educational career isn’t over yet, so I’d take out entirety and just go with ‘throughout my educational career’.] I was blessed with a parade of gifted and compassionate teachers who nurtured my natural curiosity, which expanded in every direction under their influence. I fell in love with James Joyce under the guidance of the most intelligent woman I have ever known, and grappled with the complexities of calculus as taught by a vibrant Russian mathematician. However, I knew from a remarkably [why is it remarkable? Maybe ‘very early point’] early point that biochemistry was where my true fascination lay. My freshman biology teacher gave me my first taste of “real” science, [I’d eliminate the comma] and I was hooked, almost as much by his cheerful approach as [by] the material. Sophomore year, I was treated to a genuinely brilliant chemistry teacher. [In sophomore year I was taught by a genuinely brilliant chemistry teacher.] I found myself drawn in either class to the places where they overlapped: [Awkward sentence – maybe ‘In each class I found myself drawn to the places they overlapped:’] the biological relevance of chemical reactions, and the most detail-oriented aspects of biology. I was intrigued by the most intricate mechanisms of life itself, and resolved to pursue this fascination as I moved forward.

[tty63.livejournal.com]

I took this conviction with me directly into college, and let nothing stand in my way. While completing my first year at Franklin & Marshall, I decided that I wanted to get my hands dirty right away and start doing hands-on research. I was told that it [it = I] would be unlikely to find a position as a wet-behind-the-ears freshman, but nevertheless [,] I applied for several summer research positions, many targeted at sophomores and juniors. Happily, I was accepted into the Summer Undergraduate Research Fellowship program at Michigan State University, with a position in the Toxicology and Pharmacology Department. I spent that summer becoming adept at obtaining and preparing rat arteries and veins and then performing studies with a vasoconstrictive drug, endothelin-1. More importantly, I developed skills essential to being a scientist; I wrote a paper on my work and gave a presentation to the entire department. From that point on, I had a concrete reference point for the concept of “research,” which informed my further engagement with the sciences in a very real way.

The next [next = following] year, I again refused to hear the word “can’t” and vigorously pursued the opportunity to study abroad, which is notoriously difficult as a science major. With the help of my college’s study abroad office, I discovered the Trans-Atlantic Science Student Exchange Program and the chance to study at Trinity College Dublin for an entire year. Having been fascinated by Irish history and culture since a crash [introductory or survey] course in high school, I leapt at the chance. After slogging my way through months of administrative sloth, I was accepted and set off across the ocean. Little did I know that the year I spent in Dublin would transform me in every way, from the academic to the deeply personal. [It sounds like there’s a story in the deeply personal – I’m sure there is, but I doubt you want the admissions people asking. Also, ‘the academic’ sounds weird. Maybe ‘Little did I know that the year I spent in Dublin would transform me in every way, including academically and personally.’] I blossomed dramatically out of my rather introverted shell, and built an entire life there with people that [erase ‘that’ or switch it with ‘who’] I came to love with all of my heart. At the same time, I was immersed up to my neck in a completely novel educational system. I took third year level chemistry and biochemistry courses with students who had much more focused science backgrounds than I [it’s relatively uncommon to end on ‘I’ – you could end on ‘I did’]. The transition was overwhelming at first, but it pushed me to be a fully independent student, solely responsible for my own mastery of the material. The comprehensive set of exams at the end of the year, which covered 9 months of lectures, was a challenge whose sheer magnitude intimidated me, but I set up camp in the library and ultimately triumphed. The experience turned me into a more confident student and person, better prepared to handle whatever life throws at me.

Now here [I’d erase ‘here’] I stand at the next fork in the road. The curiosity of that little girl who asked endless questions of her all-knowing father persists unabated, her appetite whetted by years of top-notch education, yet unsatisfied. I want to ask the questions that pierce deepest. A graduate education is the ideal tool with which I can truly begin to immerse myself in the smallest details to explain the largest phenomena. Life is a miracle that defies explanation, but I’d like to try my hand.

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for going through with such a fine toothed comb! I really appreciate it. I will consider all of your suggestions :)

The thing about the "crash course" is that's what it was - it happened in one day during my AP English class, when my teacher tried to give us context for James Joyce. I know the phrase sounds odd without explanation, but it's only the truth! Should I try to squeeze in an explanation (I don't think so) or just bend the truth a little?

[tty63.livejournal.com]

Bending the truth a little sounds best. I agree that you don't want to launch into a long explanation.

[redandglenda.livejournal.com]

I found myself drawn in either class to the places where they overlapped I found this sentence a bit odd. I can't put my finger on why it irks me, but when I read it, I had to go back and read it again a few times. You might want to just have a look at it.

Also, should there be a comma here: "Trinity College, Dublin". I don't actually know - just asking!

One last thing; I'm not sure if you should use the word "slogging" in a formal paper. But that's up to you. The rest of it has such a mature tone, and that word doesn't really fit.

This was really great - very informative and very clear writing. I'm sure you'll do well! (p.s. I don't agree with any of the person above's comments, but that's for you to decide)

[exsequar.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on that sentence, I'll poke at it a bit!

Trinity College Dublin is the actual school's name, just like that :) TCD!

Haha, that's a good point. I'll come up wtih an alternative.

Thank you!